- Erika Shershun, MA, MFTI
Making Peace With Your Unwelcome Emotions, Part III: Identifying Feelings and Needs
Updated: Sep 12, 2020

In parts 1 and 2 we looked at the importance of grounding and bringing awareness to bodily sensations when unwelcome emotions arise. Often we don't realize the influence even a fleeting incidental emotional state can have on our decisions. When scanning your body with a nonjudgmental observing presence you can perceive body events of emotions you may not have been noticing, and begin to understand how those emotions are influencing your actions and your future.
Once you have dropped into your body and brought awareness to what sensations are accompanying your emotional state, it's helpful to identify and name your present feeling. This is important because it may not be the same emotion that you initially felt. As you mindfully observed what sensations were present in step 2 you may have located a deeper underlying emotion, such as a sadness under the anger, or a sense of shame beneath the anxiety, or perhaps you transitioned into another emotional state altogether.
As simple as it sounds, accurately naming emotions can take some getting used to. We tend to have far more words available to judge, criticize, or insult than we have language on hand to clearly express our emotional state. That's because when difficult emotions surface it may seem easier to keep our focus on the other rather than to connect with our own feelings. So see if you can get precise in describing your emotional state, for example are you feeling confused or would ambivalent, conflicted, or hesitant be more accurate? Try to get very specific in expressing how you are feeling without using words that describe thoughts, judgments or interpretations. To help with this process I've included a list of feeling words compiled by Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of NonViolent Communication, at the end of this blog entry.
Marshall Rosenberg taught of the importance of connecting with our feelings, that behind every feeling there is a need, and that some feelings point to the obstruction of our needs. In order to get our needs met we must first identify them clearly, so the next step is to connect the feeling you've narrowed in on and named to a need. Perhaps you have a need to be seen, a need to be understood, a need for human contact, or a need for some time to yourself. Identifying your needs will deepen your awareness of why the emotion surfaced, and what it was trying to bring to your attention.
Once you've clearly identified the need you can determine whether you can meet it yourself, or choose to make a request of another. In making a request be sure to state what you do need, not what you don't want, and try not to imply wrongness on the part of other people. Rosenberg teaches, "Needs contain no reference to specific ways of getting met, those are preferences," and that no one person is responsible for meeting our needs. It's important to remember that you are responsible for how you feel and for your needs being met, this is personal empowerment.
In concluding, it's important to remember our emotions are a state of feeling accompanied by physical and psychological changes that influence behavior; getting clear on your emotional state will bring more awareness to your experience, ultimately impacting your decisions and your future. Your feelings often result from how you choose to receive what others say and do, as well as your individual needs and expectations in the moment. When we relate our feelings to our needs and share them it opens the possibility for deeper connection. When emotions arise, especially unwelcome ones, make contact with yourself, not just up in your head, but with the entirety of your experience, and you'll discover more of the wisdom your body-mind and emotions contain.
www.feltsenseresonance.com
FEELING WORDS compiled by Marshall Rosenberg.
You may want to add more words to describe some of your feeling states. Avoid words like misunderstood, used, judged, manipulated, ignored, rejected, betrayed... these words are more of a diagnosis of the other person that apply wrongness rather than a feeling state.
AGONY
anguish
bereaved
brokenhearted
distress
grief
hurt
miserable
misery
mournful
pain
sad
sorrow
woe
wretched
ANGERY
enraged
furious
indignant
ire
outraged
vengeful
ANNOYED
aggravated
aroused
displeased
exasperated
frustrated
impatient
irked
irritated
miffed
peeved
vexed
AVERSION
alienated
animosity
bitter
disgusted
dislike
hate
hostile
loathing
repugnance
repulsed
resentment
DISAPPOINTED
agitated
alarmed
discouraged
disgruntled
disheartened
dismayed
disquiet
dissatisfied
disturbed
perturbed
rattled
startled
surprised
troubled
turbulent
turmoil
uncomfortable
uneasy
unsettled
upset
DISCONNECTED
aloof
apathetic
cold
contemptuous
cool
distant
indifferent
inhibited
nonchalant
numb
passive
pity
reluctant
remote
removed
reserved
unconcerned
unmoved
withdrawn
EMBARRASSED
ashamed
deflated
guilty
insecure
regretful
remorseful
shy
sorry
unsure of self
ENVIOUS
desirous
longing
nostalgic
pining
wistful
yearning
FEARFUL
anxious
apprehensive
daunted
dread
edgy
foreboding
frightened
guarded
horror
insecure
jittery
leery
mistrustful
nervous
panicky
petrified
scared
suspicious
terror
unnerved
wary
worried
GLOOMY
dejected
depressed
despairing
despondent
forlorn
hopeless
lonely
melancholy
mopey
pessimistic
resigned
TENSE
burdened
burnt out
constricted
cranky
depleted
distracted
distraught
encumbered
exhausted
fidgety
fragile
frazzled
intense
irritable
listless
off-centered
overwhelmed
restless
sensitive
stressed
stretched
ungrounded
vulnerable
CONFUSED
ambivalent
befuddled
conflicted
discombobulated
dizzy
doubtful
dubious
hesitant
in a daze
indecisive
lost
mystified
perplexed
puzzled
tentative
torn
uncertain
unclear
unsure
TIRED
bored
draggy
enervated
fatigued
lethargic
lifeless
low life energy
low vitality
sleepy
weary
www.feltsenseresonance.com